Visual Orgasm


I guess the reason why I’m changing so much is because I want to distant myself away from my past.

I don’t want to remember any part of it. I don’t want to remember being weak and vulnerable, I don’t want to remember all my scars and all my tears

I never want to be treated like the way I did anymore, I’m tired and I’m scared


Part 1

Priscilla has always been a strong girl, she is cheerful and friendly towards everybody. The thing that made her happiest is when she makes people smile, putting a smile on people’s faces always makes Priscilla proud, it was a big accomplishment. She was active in canoeing , she took part in many competitions and even though she didn’t win, she was still proud that she didn’t give up. Priscilla had little close friends due to her personality. She is an introvert and is shy towards new people, but that didn’t stop her from making new friends, she just took more time.
Priscilla seemed to have it altogether, she had close friends she could count on, she had boys chasing after her and she never seem to have a bad day, ever. That was the impression people had of Priscilla, ” Confident, Cheerful and Positive ” but that was never what she believed herself to be, deep down she was lonely and she needed something none of her friends could give her. She needed someone to love.

Grace is a single mother, she brought Priscilla up with the help of her parents. They lived in a small apartment. Being the only breadwinner of the family, Grace had to work a lot and she felt immense guilt towards her daughter because she couldn’t be there for her most of the time. Priscilla grew up lonely and isolated, she didn’t talk to her grandparents because she felt her grandparents didn’t love her as she was the offspring of a man that ruined their favorite daughter. She lead a lonely life and as she grew up, she tries to cover her loneliness through ” being funny “. She felt as long as people thought she was funny, they would like her more and she wouldn’t feel as lonely, but Priscilla knows it was all a bluff.

Priscilla went on countless of dates, hoping she’ll find ” The One “, but it always seemed that the boys she dated always wanted a little more from her.” Sex “. Priscilla gave into their demands hoping that by fulfilling whatever they wanted, they would cherish her and love her, but that was never the case. She eventually learnt that she was nothing more but a plaything for her dates, a trophy to be won, nothing more but something to be conquered. Priscilla became disheartened, she started to lose hope because of what she went through, but deep down she knows one day her prince will pick her up from the rubbles and take her away to his castle where she will finally be happy and loved.

Part 2

One day, Priscilla met someone. His name is Brandon. Priscilla and Brandon both took and interest towards each other and they started dating. He was different from all the other boys, he was sweet, funny, outgoing and most importantly, he was sincere. It didn’t take too long before they officially got together. Priscilla felt special and loved, it was something she never felt before. She was finally in love. She was happy for the first time in her life, genuinely happy. She didn’t have to put up a forced smile and pretended that she was happy, it all came to her naturally. They went on countless dates and during Valentines Day, Brandon gave Priscilla a stuffed cat doll. Priscilla loved her cat doll, she took it to sleep every night, even on her trip to London. In her own little weird ways, bringing her stuffed cat everywhere she went makes her felt less lonely. Priscilla was never close to her mother ” Grace ” so Brandon became Priscilla’s pillar of support. He held a very important place in her life.

Brandon eventually graduated from school and began to start working. His job required him to travel out of the country very regularly and he could only return on the weekends. This was not a news Priscilla was thrilled to hear. She felt she was about to lose someone whom she loved dearly. On the night before Brandon left for Washington, he went out on a date with Priscilla. They both made sure they had fun and took lots of pictures because after midnight, both of them would have to accept a change in their lives. Priscilla enjoyed herself but she was mindful of the time throughout the whole day, she worries as time passed by. She wanted time to stop.

When the clock hit 11:30, Priscilla knew what was about to come. They both sat on the playground hoping that time will pass slower, She tried to resist from crying but thoughts of her being alone during the lonely nights proved too much to handle and she cried her eyes out. Brandon felt the ache in his heart but he was never the kind to show weakness, especially towards the people he loves. He fought strong and hard not to cry, but the blood vessels around his pupils gave him away. He promised her that he’ll call often and they will still be able to meet during the weekdays when he comes back from Washington. Priscilla felt comforted and they bid farewell and went back home.

Priscilla looked forward to the weekends, she always made sure they had quality time together. She even gave up on canoeing so she would have more time to spend with her boyfriend. They both got closer towards each other during the period of time because they managed to overcome a tough time in their relationship. Bidding farewell on Sundays at the airport was never easy for both Priscilla and Brandon, especially for Priscilla. She knew she would have to endure days and days of missing Brandon but he will always be back during the weekends. That thought always comforted her.

Part 3

Brandon soon got a promotion due to his good performance at work. He was ecstatic when he heard the news and he couldn’t wait to fly back to Utah to tell the good news to Priscilla. When Priscilla heard the news, she was overjoyed. she felt so proud of her boy, but little did she know it was going to be the reason and the start of the downfall of their relationship. Work started piling up and it got heavier and heavier for Brandon. When he flew back from Washington, Priscilla couldn’t wait to spend her weekends with Brandon, but all he wanted to do was work and spend time with his own friends. He couldn’t handle the stress of work and he needed to de stress. He told Priscilla they had to cut down time spent together because he needs to do his work and he misses his friends. Priscilla was upset but she understood where Brandon was coming from. She started giving in to him.

During the nights where Brandon was busy, Priscilla held on to her stuffed cat and watched tv. That cat became Brandon’s replacement. She spent most of her days wondering what he was doing. Brandon began to spend more time with his friends and work. He went out drinking and partying with his friends from work. That never bothered Priscilla because she was happy Brandon was happy. Brandon stopped paying as much attention to her as before and She felt so neglected that over time it took a roll on her, she became depressed and negative but she didn’t want to let Brandon know how his actions affected her because she didn’t want him to think of her as being ” Needy “. She also knew how stressed Brandon was at work and she didn’t want to add any more ” burden “to his shoulders, so she decided to suffer in silence.

Part 4

One day, Priscilla and Brandon watched a romantic movie. Priscilla envied the lovers in the movie and she asked Brandon a question, ” Do you think we are like the main characters? “. She was hoping for a cheeky response from him but what came out of his mouth shocked her. ” No, the female character is not as needy as you”. Priscilla’s heart stopped… She could feel shards of glass piercing into her heart. She couldn’t understand why she was needy, she never demanded anything else from him other than his time and even when he wanted to cut their time spent together, she accepted it. She couldn’t comprehend that sentence, it broke her terribly.

Priscilla and Brandon both had a mutual friend, ” Derek “. She wanted to find out how Brandon truly felt about their relationship, so she sought after Derek for help. She thought maybe spilling out the truth to a third party would be easier for Brandon than spilling it out to her. Derek spent hours talking to Brandon over the phone while she waited and waited silently and patiently. Derek delivered the news.
“Hi Priscilla, Brandon told me what I needed to hear and I hope you are mentally prepared”, said Derek. Priscilla took a few seconds to compose herself. ” I’m ready “, she said. ” He doesn’t wanna settle down, he feels both of your goals are different. He wants to see the world while you want a family. He enjoys going out with you but he’s very tired. He misses his single life, he wants to party and go out with his friends and do whatever he likes” said Derek. Priscilla was devastated, after everything that she has done, it wasn’t enough to keep Brandon happy. Her heart was brokered, She cried until her eyes were red and sore, she slowly fell asleep. She spent the next few days thinking about their relationship and she decided to do something that she never thought she’d have the strength to do.

Part 5

On June 4th, Priscilla and Brandon broke up. It was Priscilla who initiated the breakup. She decided to sacrifice her own happiness and give Brandon what he wanted, freedom. Priscilla never would have thought it would’ve been done over text at a Macdonalds with her best friend ” Leigh ” . As Priscilla said goodbye to Brandon, she fought hard not to cry but she failed miserably, she bowed her head down to the table and let the tears stream out. Leigh felt immensely incapable at that point and she bought a brownie for her. Leigh nudged the crying Priscilla and she wiped her tears and saw the cake. ” you’re not a very good best friend if you think I like chocolate cake ” laughed Priscilla. Leigh let out a laugh but she felt Priscilla’s pain even though she tried to cover it up with a joke.

Leigh walked Priscilla home but she didn’t want to go back yet. There was too still too much welling up inside herself and she couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. So They sat down at a nearby playground. Priscilla stared into space and Leigh started to comfort her. “It’s okay to cry, just let it all out. You will feel better ” said Leigh. ” my baby is gone… ” cried Priscilla. As the first tear slowly made it’s way down to her left cheek, she felt the warmth of her tear and she broke down. Many other tears followed after.

3 weeks after their breakup, Priscilla recovered rather well. She tried to look forward because she knew she did the right thing. Somewhere, Brandon is happy with his newly returned freedom, Then Priscilla’s phone rang, a text message came. It was from Brandon. It read, ” just want to let you know I’m seeing someone new from my workplace, I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else “. And Priscilla just broke. She couldn’t believe what she saw. At that moment Priscilla’s mind was filled with so much rage. She sacrificed her happiness only to learn that she would be replaced barely 2 weeks after their breakup, and Brandon wanting to be single and free was just a bluff. The once lovers exchanged several more messages, Brandon tried to calm down Priscilla but to no avail.

He eventually got impatient and told her off, but it only added fuel to her burning rage. They exchanged several heated messages and then Brandon said something that broke her. “ I said I would love you, but I never said it was forever”. That sentence destroyed her, mentally and physically. She started to call him for more answers, she was confused, but Brandon refused to pick up any of her calls.Priscilla’s last effort of love towards Brandon acted against her. She sat alone at the playground that night crying and staring into space.

Part 7

A few weeks later, Priscilla sent a text message ” Hi Brandon, I need to talk to you over the phone, I need to get a few things off my chest and I promise I won’t yell at you “. Brandon saw the messages and called her over the phone. She picked up and started explaining the reason why she got depressed and became negative. She felt that he needed to know the reason. She explained everything in detail, All the words she wanted to say flowed out naturally. After explaining herself, She could hear brandon crying on the other side of the phone, but at that moment it wasn’t important because her main priority was to get out all everything off her chest. It was building up inside of her killing her and when she finally said her peace, she asked brandon one last question. ” Do you want to try again?

Brandon explained he was already seeing someone and if he went back to Priscilla, It wouldn’t be fair and it would cause a situation which he didn’t want. Priscilla understood where he was coming from and accepted it. She hung up the phone, wiped her tears and went to sleep.
Her road to recovery wasn’t easy, she had just lost someone who meant a great deal to her. She became emotionally unstable. The main source of her pain wasn’t her breakup, it was the fact that sacrificed herself for someone she loved, but it backfired on her. She found out Brandon got together with his colleague of 9 months. The things Brandon said to her, It scarred her terribly. She began using keys to scratch herself as a coping mechanism. It served as a distraction for Priscilla. She couldn’t withstand the pain inside of her so she took it out on herself, the physical pain distracted her from the aching pain inside her heart. She began to smoke and drink excessively. Smoking disgusted her, she remembered when she was younger, her mother would smoke and she would take the cigarette away from her mother’s mouth and throw it away. ” It’s a disgusting habit! Why would you want to pay money to kill your lungs? ” Priscilla remembered saying that as a child, but she needed to feel unworthy and trashed. In a weird way, it made her feel dead and she liked it.

Part 8

5 days later, Priscilla was admitted to the hospital. She was in school where she suffered from several panic attacks continuously. The panic attacks were not the reasons why she was sent there. She wrote a letter to her teacher ” Mrs Tanya ” saying she needed help and she felt suicidal. Mrs Tanya asked Priscilla to take a break from class and she will talk to her later. Priscilla felt a sense of relief. There was nobody she could talk to in class, She was bullied and teased by the other students and her best friend leigh was in another school. She needed someone to talk to and she turned to her teacher as a last resort. As it turns out, Mrs Tanya felt she couldn’t offer any help to her student so she called the hospital and told them about her ” Suicidal Student “.
When she was escorted to the hospital in the ambulance, she started laughing at her life. Where did the once cheerful, strong and happy Priscilla go to? She wondered as she tried not to cry.

She was given a long mc from the hospital and she took it to good use. She spent time going out with her friends all the time and she tried to forget her past, all she wanted to do was to forget, move on and be happy. Her heart still aches when she thinks of her past, so she made herself busy to keep her mind occupied. She returned back to canoeing and took up several more sports and hobbies, that was her way of recovering. During Priscilla’s long break, she spent most of her time with Leigh, she was so thankful to have her best friend along with her all the way.

Despite everything that has happened, Priscilla still cared deeply for Brandon, the pain he caused her and the turmoil she put herself under will eventually fade away but the scars will always remain in her heart. There is still a wee bit of resentment in her heart but she dismissed it because she knows if Brandon is happy, she will be. She felt proud of herself because she came so far, the lonely girl from the past became a strong person and was capable of love, Unconditional Love.

- End -


katy you were accompanied my riff raff…who are you?

(Source: tkyle)

I’m so tired tonight, I’m exhausted.

But why is it that I can’t fall asleep? When I close my eyes, my demons tortures me.

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